I shop like a typical guy. I know what I want; I research the best price versus location or shipping time; I plan the shopping trip; I drive to the store, walk in, get what I need, and check out. Research and planning takes an agonizing amount of time, while the actual shopping is done at a speed that can lead to a trip to the chiropractor if I'm not careful.
While we were in prayer for months, asking the Lord to show us what to do after I graduated from tech school, it took us about 1 week to decide to move from Tacoma, Washington, to Tucson, Arizona. Decision time from confirmation of the Lord's was about 30 minutes.
|Purchases made this week: 1 possible and 1 definite return|
I'm also the fastest person on the planet to experience "buyer's remorse". I usually encounter the first onset while in the checkout line. While making the financial transaction, I'm asking the cashier about their return policy. On the way to the car, I'm asking myself when I will next be in this neck of the woods, and whether I should just take it back now. At home, I open the package as carefully as possible, memorizing the complex packing method I will need to get it all back inside. If I keep the product, I don't take the protective plastic off for about 3 years, nor do I dispose of the original box, receipt, or even shopping bag. I'm not exaggerating, just ask Bonnie.
So, you can imagine how I'm feeling right now, 5 months into our latest change. We hadn't even left the state yet when I began to feel discouraged. Yes, I still believe the Lord directed our paths here, both by closing doors in Washington and by confirming our prayers about the open doors in Tucson. The folks I work with couldn't be better. The job I'm doing supports missionaries and native pastors who are the hands and feet of Christ. I can't logically or physically explain the darkness I've experienced since making that decision, but I haven't experienced much joy in this step of obedience.
I've begun to have dreams about flying helicopters. Bonnie is itching to have a clue as to how we should prepare for field work, or whatever else God has us doing next. And, yet, I'm feeling no nudge in any direction that I can identify as from the Lord.
There's a part of me that urgently wants to try to return to my old law enforcement job here, but I've examined the motives for that, and it has mostly to do with money. There is an apparent security in money that God warns us to avoid, and if he's asking me to represent him in the government, it won't be driven by the salary.
Then there's the boredom. Nothing "trips my trigger," as a co-worker would say, like flying a helicopter. Or, perhaps, mountain biking. I have had to give up both; it's been several years since I've flown, and months since I could ride my bike (doctor's recommendation for an injured SI joint). The pace of my last job was stressful enough exhaust my taste for adventure. The ennui of our current situation seems to smother it.
Isaiah 40:30 - 31 says, "Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the LORD shall renew [their] strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint."
I am weary, and feeling faint. Please, Lord, help me to wait on you.
|Here's an old picture of Asher to lighten the mood|