12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I picture Paul writing this with compassion to the church in Phillippi, letting them know "It's so easy to have regrets and look back and over analyze things, but don't! God has so much more in store for you!" All I can say is He is faithful. He tells us to trust Him and keep going, so we are.
By far the most challenging part of all this has been the sudden increase in "family togetherness". Specifically, Gabe being home 24/7 all of a sudden and me getting rather territorial about "my space". You know the stories of when a man retires and is home all the time and his wife of 30+ years has to get a job to get out of the house! Or when you're on family vacation and you spend so much time together that you start to drive each other crazy. Maybe it's a partner home because of illness, injury, or job loss. Your routine is interrupted, your "normal" is off, and you can't wait for that person or circumstance who seems to have disrupted it to go back to work or wherever so you can "get back to normal".
So around here, that has looked like Gabe being the incredibly helpful husband that he is doing all he can to serve me. The dude does laundry, dishes, diapers, homework, you name it. He's a servant. Every busy mom's dream come true! And instead of feeling thankful, I keep feeling...useless...insignificant....jealous even. Like "hey, that was my job, I may not have done the best at it, but it was mine!". Pathetic, I know. The most telling example of this in the last few weeks has been Making Yogurt.
A few months back a friend of mine taught me how to make homemade yogurt. Her/My method goes as follows:
Take 1/2 gal whole milk, preferably organic, and bring it to a scald(just starting to steam and bubble), whisking occasionally. Turn off the heat and let it cool for 5-10 min or so. Whisk in 3 tbsp plain yogurt from a previous batch or store bought organic plain yogurt with no gelatin/fillers in it. Cover and place on a heating pad on low for 12-24 hours depending on how tart you like it. Remove from heat, stir, and refrigerate.
Amazingly, this really works! You get yogurt that is a little runny, but really good. Gabe eats it every day for breakfast. So, one day we are almost out if it, and he doesn't want to bother me with asking how to make it and having me "supervise" (I can't blame him for this!). He Googles it instead.
The next thing I know there is yogurt being made by Gabe's Method:
Set up a double boiler. Put 1/2 gal whole milk into pot over pot of simmering water and heat to 185 F on a candy thermometer. Hold at a simmer at 185 for 30 min whisking occasionally. After 30 min, remove from heat and cool to 110 F before adding 3 tbsp whole milk yogurt for starter. May use an ice bath to cool more quickly as it takes approx 30 min to cool to 110. Cover and set on heating pad on medium for 1-2 hours and then low for 6-12.(I may not have this quite right but this is my best understanding of it...not good with details)
Needless to say, this is a bit more complicated than my method. So I got quite territorial about it and gave my poor husband a relentless hard time about taking a process I had already figured out and having to improve/perfect it. You see, my personality is one of "get it done" and Gabe's is "get it done right". Anyone who has ever had a steak grilled for you by my husband or his amazing Pad Thai can attest to the fact that his cooking is...perfection. Mine is a bit more crazy and adventurous, but it feeds us 3 meals a day.
The end of the story is...Gabe's yogurt is way better than mine! His is thick and creamy, almost Greek yogurt consistency. So we are now doing it the better way unless I am really in a time crunch and then I may go back to the simplified method. Although I have convinced him to dispense with the double boiler :-)
What the Lord has taught me through this is that whenever I really think someone else is the problem, or a certain circumstance is the problem, to look back at myself and see if maybe I'm not a big part of my own problem. He is LORD, also known as I AM and JEHOVAH which means, He was there in my past, is already in my future, and is completely present in my present and is in control of all the circumstances that seem so messed up to me. He is teaching me through them if I allow Him to.
Now that I have some perspective, I can laugh about "the infamous yogurt making incident" and let Him turn my frustration to thankfulness. I am truly thankful for the time we have together as a family. I am thankful that Asher gets his Daddy around so much to enjoy all his baby moments. I am thankful that Sam has a Dad who has time to volunteer in his classroom and go on field trips with him. I am thankful Ciara has a Dad with time to play with her in the morning before she goes to kindergarten. I am thankful he and I have time to talk, eat lunch together, pray together and just hang out. I love the man God has given me so much, and I know there will come a day when I really am thankful for every minute.
And just so you know, he isn't here making gourmet organic yogurt all the time. He's been volunteering in Sam's class quite a bit as well as at a couple different food banks run by local churches. I think there is some street visitation in Tacoma coming soon too. He's researching and praying through different options for our future while trying to be available and present for God to use him now. He's considered going back to work but since we are blessed with provision for right now, there's no rush on that. It's amazing to see the heart God is giving him for people.
May you be blessed in whatever your circumstances are today!